PROJECT REBUILD

i don't know how i ended up here again

how i let myself get involved in something so forbidden, yet so familar

i swore i wouldn't let someone get their hooks in so deep again

yet here i am, dizzy but oriented 

different boy, same feelings.

disgust. 

i see it all over your face

down your arms, reaching the tips of your toes

my eyes finally settling on yours.

what a bad situation we have placed ourselves in

this push and pull of fear and trust

of anguish and disgust

and i let myself fall into it all again

the murky water looked so much prettier from afar

but now i am in much too deep

leaking in to the soles of my boots as you stand tall

unafraid as you are aware of the outcome of this situaton that i am only now realizing

distrust.

do i even trust you now?

i dont know, your words feel dirty, wrong in my ears

i cannot believe they taste that good to you

i have heard this all before

these lies that you think i will eat up, engulf and never question

but here i am, standing knee-deep, pondering on what this all really means

as your laughter fills my ears, water fills my jeans.

stupid girl, he told you he was unsure, but her heart, my heart, wouldn't listen

i thought i was so changed; matured, but as i stand here, i can see that girl and me are still the same

i knew this was dangerous

why did i trek so far away from home?

pride.

you hold it so above that i am unsure if you even know that there is a cloud of it over you

so proud that you hold all the cards, that you hold my heart within your grimey, greasy palms

why was i so naive to let you hold it?

again, i didnt even look around you, look at you, really see you, when i met you

i was caught up in your words, wound around your mysterious nature, entranced by your shine

but
now, being here so close, i see that your words are all fake and  
overused, that your mystery that seemed so endearing is just a sham, and
the shine that surrounded you is all rusted with water stains

but your pride, that is now overly promident, i can see that now

it keeps your safe and sound, away from the real world where feelings can be hurt and hearts can be broken

as my heart is hit with a cold gush of water, yours is high up, protected under lock and key, water-resistent

i wonder what you see when you look down at me,

i doubt there is any surprise to you that i fell for your games; your lies

you had worded everything just right, knowing how to make a girl fall for you

girls like me, with naive minds and soft hearts

you knew how to win my trust, at least enough of it to hand over my heart

you had to have seen the scars, the rips and tears that still remain from other boys who have taken it and abused it

did this even faze you? or were just wondering why i was dumb enough to give it away once more

looking back, i should have known that this is just another scam

you probably laughed with your friends, remarking how another one bites the dust

how you would torture me until i was too broken for repair

as your circled around me, analyzing how to hurt me more, i was just hoping this was a nightmare; untrue

you, my knight in shining armor, would never hurt me

after everything i told you, done for you

it is comical looking back, at least now

but for you, it was always humourous

forgive.

something that i always end up doing. and i will do for you.

for boy, that is all you will be

another boy, another lesson

never quite a man even though you would like to believe

i know what i am looking for and i am knowing what i see before me

a boy, sheepish and ignorant, and i know that this not what a man makes up

you are so naive, possibly even more than me

for thinking that you could play with me like this

me, well i am a woman 

some might argue this, obviously you

but
i am willing to give my heart away, take the risk that it will be torn  
and damaged, just for that glint of hope that a man will treat it well

i do not lock mine away, not exposing the real me to anyone

one day, when you actually open up that age-old chest, you might not even recognize what your heart has become

without the sun, without love, it can be even more damaged than mine will ever be

so i will forgive you, smile at you

for i know that my heart is in my own capable hands once more, as is yours.

and now, once more, as the water crawls over my head, i know that i will,

breathe again.