Breathe Again
i don't know how i ended up here again
how i let myself get involved in something so forbidden, yet so familar
i swore i wouldn't let someone get their hooks in so deep again
yet here i am, dizzy but oriented
different boy, same feelings.
disgust.
i see it all over your face
down your arms, reaching the tips of your toes
my eyes finally settling on yours.
what a bad situation we have placed ourselves in
this push and pull of fear and trust
of anguish and disgust
and i let myself fall into it all again
the murky water looked so much prettier from afar
but now i am in much too deep
leaking in to the soles of my boots as you stand tall
unafraid as you are aware of the outcome of this situaton that i am only now realizing
distrust.
do i even trust you now?
i dont know, your words feel dirty, wrong in my ears
i cannot believe they taste that good to you
i have heard this all before
these lies that you think i will eat up, engulf and never question
but here i am, standing knee-deep, pondering on what this all really means
as your laughter fills my ears, water fills my jeans.
stupid girl, he told you he was unsure, but her heart, my heart, wouldn't listen
i thought i was so changed; matured, but as i stand here, i can see that girl and me are still the same
i knew this was dangerous
why did i trek so far away from home?
pride.
you hold it so above that i am unsure if you even know that there is a cloud of it over you
so proud that you hold all the cards, that you hold my heart within your grimey, greasy palms
why was i so naive to let you hold it?
again, i didnt even look around you, look at you, really see you, when i met you
i was caught up in your words, wound around your mysterious nature, entranced by your shine
but
now, being here so close, i see that your words are all fake and
overused, that your mystery that seemed so endearing is just a sham, and
the shine that surrounded you is all rusted with water stains
but your pride, that is now overly promident, i can see that now
it keeps your safe and sound, away from the real world where feelings can be hurt and hearts can be broken
as my heart is hit with a cold gush of water, yours is high up, protected under lock and key, water-resistent
i wonder what you see when you look down at me,
i doubt there is any surprise to you that i fell for your games; your lies
you had worded everything just right, knowing how to make a girl fall for you
girls like me, with naive minds and soft hearts
you knew how to win my trust, at least enough of it to hand over my heart
you had to have seen the scars, the rips and tears that still remain from other boys who have taken it and abused it
did this even faze you? or were just wondering why i was dumb enough to give it away once more
looking back, i should have known that this is just another scam
you probably laughed with your friends, remarking how another one bites the dust
how you would torture me until i was too broken for repair
as your circled around me, analyzing how to hurt me more, i was just hoping this was a nightmare; untrue
you, my knight in shining armor, would never hurt me
after everything i told you, done for you
it is comical looking back, at least now
but for you, it was always humourous
forgive.
something that i always end up doing. and i will do for you.
for boy, that is all you will be
another boy, another lesson
never quite a man even though you would like to believe
i know what i am looking for and i am knowing what i see before me
a boy, sheepish and ignorant, and i know that this not what a man makes up
you are so naive, possibly even more than me
for thinking that you could play with me like this
me, well i am a woman
some might argue this, obviously you
but
i am willing to give my heart away, take the risk that it will be torn
and damaged, just for that glint of hope that a man will treat it well
i do not lock mine away, not exposing the real me to anyone
one day, when you actually open up that age-old chest, you might not even recognize what your heart has become
without the sun, without love, it can be even more damaged than mine will ever be
so i will forgive you, smile at you
for i know that my heart is in my own capable hands once more, as is yours.
and now, once more, as the water crawls over my head, i know that i will,
breathe again.